You know - I know it's possible - and more than that - something I want to do. But, some days I wonder how on earth I will fit a child into my life and even if it's fair to do such a thing.
Example. Yesterday I went to bed at nine in order to get up at 4 a.m. this morning. I left my house at about 5:45 in the morning because I had to some errands before work and then get to work by 6:30. I came home at 4:15 because I was exhausted - but I should've stayed until at least 5 because my desk is a MESS. Leaving that early was rare - but it was the second time this week that I made it to work before anyone else. I typically spent 10-11 hours at work each day - on a normal day. I can get by on about 6 hours of sleep and still feel rested. So, that's 16-17 hours a day. That leaves 7-8 hours a day to do everything else. Make dinner. Clean. relax.
And I want to try to fit in: drop off/pick up from daycare, bathe children, play with children, take children to ballet/soccer/doctor/whatever, make sure children who are coming from traumatic backgrounds are adjusting well/ etc. into those 7-8 hours?
I mean - I know I can and I will make it work. Plenty of teachers are mothers. There are plenty of single working mothers in the world. There are things at my job that I can drop without taking a pay cut and free up some of my time. I know all this - right now I'm single and I do have time so I say yes to things like yearbook and helping after school and planning Shakespeare festivals - - and I won't say yes to those when I have children that become my world.
Sometimes I just wonder, "Is the kid going to hate me for making them be a part of a single parent family?" It's at those times I try to remind myself that in the hierarchy of family situations - I may be lower than a two parent loving family - - but I'm higher than an orphanage.
Just a busy day and realizing how I am so accustomed to coming home at the end of the day and not worrying about anyone but myself - but that's not the life I want - and truth be told I'd rather be sitting in traffic in the rain on the way to a ballet recital right now than typing this. I'd be exhausted either way - but the other one is a better option still.
On another note - I'm reading a book that is the story of a single adoptive mother. It's good. I'm being reminded again of all the paperwork, money, and uncertainties of the process. But at the same time - on the back cover is a picture of a woman with two beautiful boys - and that's really all that matters.