adoption update

I can't believe I haven't updated regarding adoption in this long - well, I can - life has been busy!

I took my own advice though to stop trying to figure everything out now though since I know that I won't start the process for at least a couple of years. I've become more interested in doing a domestic foster-adopt - though I haven't done any research on that at all except to talk to a couple of people I know who have gone that route.

It's been a little over a year since I started researching the process. Last year at this time I was sneaking time to read The Complete Guide to International Adoption any chance I got.

I don't have much to say - since I know it's not time for me to start yet I've just kind of been saving money and dreaming and trying not to get my heart set on a country once again - I just wanted to drop in and say hello to anyone who actually reads this.

Adoption in the movies.

Over the past year or so I've run across a number of movies that deal with adoption on some level either by purpose or by chance.

The first one was Martian Child starring John Cussak as the recently widowed single adoptive father of a boy from the US foster system. The movies is based on a true story. It's been so long since I watched this movie that I need to watch it again. I watched it at the beginning of my research - and now that I've done so more research I'd like to watch it again. Like with Pumpkin Patch, it's just nice to peek into the lives of people who have "been there, done that."

I also watched Juno, which is the perspective of the birth mother for the most part, but in the end the baby goes to a single mother. Though - the birth mother originally chose a couple. I won't spoil the ending for those of you who have yet to see it. As I'm realizing that many international countries are closing to single parent adoption for whatever reason - I'm beginning to also research the domestic process. My heart is still in international - but - can't hurt to know things, right?

I ordered Losing Isaiah from netflix and remembered why I'm scared to death of domestic adoption. The movie is heart-breaking in some places. Especially when the court decide that it's more important for a baby to grow up in a home where his skin matches the adults than to grow up in the home of parents to whom he is healthily attached. However, there is a learning point there - the adoptive parents are white and the baby is black. One of the things the birth mother's attorney uses is the fact that the white parents do not have any black role models in the baby's life. I'm very committed to preserving as much of the heritage of my child as possible - I agree that it's important that the child have that "people like me" connection. (I don't think it trumps attachment, but whatever) The movie has an ok ending - but the middle of it just makes me want to throw things at the television and rant about the idiotic adoption laws in my country.

And, I caught the very end of Mom at 16 on lifetime the other day and I'm going to spoil the ending of that for you. The young girl chooses a couple to adopt her baby but after the birth decides to keep the baby. A number of weeks later she is watching a DVD her younger sister was making during the pregnancy to give to the baby's adoptive parents and the birth mom is reminded of why she was going to choose adoption and decides that really is what is best for her son - so she calls the couple and the adoption goes through. The end of the movie jumps ahead five years to the baby's first day of school. You see the adoptive parents and the birth mother there (home from college) - and a rather healthy looking open-adoption scenario. I'll go ahead and admit that Open-adoption doesn't really appeal to me. I know there is much support for it - but I'm selfish. I don't want to share. It scares me. There's a podcast waiting for me on open adoption - I need to listen to it - because maybe it's not as scary as I think it is. (Another reason I really like international - open adoption is not as common there)

Just A Couple Of Things I Want To Remember

I was listening to some of the podcasts from creatingafamily.com today as I was doing some driving and heard a couple of things that I just want to make a note about in hopes that I remember them years down the road.

1. Using a bottle as a tool for attachment. Dawn Davenport, the host, had on a guest that's an expert on adoption attachment. One thing they brought up was the idea of giving your adopted child - even older children - a bottle. Not as a feeding tool but as an attachment tool. put juice or something in the bottle, give the nipple a small opening, and then take the time to rock and hold your child while s/he drinks. On the show they said that this was acceptable as long as the child was comfortable with it. I think it's a cool idea.

2. In another podcast they were discussing how/when to bring up the adoption story with your child - and the general consensus is to make words such as "adoption" and "birth parents" common and normal from the very beginning - just by saying them even before the child understands what they mean. They talked about having a "life book" with pictures from the home country in it and reading children's books about adoption. So, the idea hit me, I want to make a "just for us" Children's book about whatever the adoption story ends up being. Of course - my mind starts dreaming wild dreams - but I think it would be cool to take some pictures and simple wording and tell the story and then it get printed off at a place like snapfish.com in one of their "book" formats for the child. I'd love to do a story that shows the two time lines of me getting to the child and then the timeline of the birth mother having the child and the child going to the orphanage/baby house/etc and then when our time lines meet in the same place. I can write the first two pages at this point. haha. "In America there was a woman with dark hair. She lived in an apartment and had two cats. She worked at a school teaching children. She was happy but she thought it would be wonderful to have a family and started thinking about all the ways there were to create families." . And then later, "One day the woman knew it was time to start her family so she called a place that helps families find each other and . . . " Anyway. That's the English-major side of me coming out. Depending on the history I get on my child we'll see how the "two time lines becoming one" thing goes - but right now I really love the idea. My "dream" level of the book is to take real pictures from the journey and have an artist "illustrate" them into children's book type images that still resemble me and my child and then fill in the gaps of the story for which pictures most likely will not exist. (My child's birth for example)


On a completely different note. I'm still completely undecided about if I want to pursue the adoption of one child or two at a time. i know I eventually want at least 2. However, I've decided that's something else (along with country) that I'm going to stop trying to figure out until I get closer to beginning this process.

The Roller Coaster

I knew that adoption was going to be a roller coaster. I just didn't expect to be on the "roller coaster of emotions" so soon.

I was looking back at my list of countries from a few entries prior to this one that were currently open to singles and began to further research a few of them. The more I researched about Kazakhstan the more excited I became. I even loved the approximate 6 week trip to get my child - I loved knowing that I would be able to spend that long in the country that held the heritage of my child.

I began searching out agencies that placed children from Kaz and looking for groups and blogs that dealt specifically with Kaz adoptions. I pulled out my copy of The Complete Russian Adoption Handbook" and began reading. I spent days looking at photos of children home from Kaz and getting that "in the gut" feeling that "yeah, I can see my child looking like that." I started looking up the info about the country and searching to see if there were any children's book concerning Kaz adoptions.

As I was browsing one of the message boards I had found that deals with Kaz my stomach sank when I saw the topic of one of the threads: "Kazakhstan closing to singles?" And, indeed, it seems that they are. There is chatter and people seem to think that they will indeed close to singles very soon.

I closed my computer for a while and then took a drive down some long country roads. As I was driving and trying not to be depressed at yet another country that may not be an option for me - God reminded me that if Kaz, or any country, is closed then all that means is that that country is not where my child is. And, I should be happy that I got the warning after only a few days of growing an attachment to Kaz rather than after months or even years of growing an attachment to that country.

There are other countries available. There is the domestic adoption which, although that is not where my heart is currently at, could also be an option. And, there are four years to wait and sift through the ever-changing IA laws.

So I've pretty much decided I'm going to stop actively trying to "decide" on a country until the end of my master's degree is in sight. I'll just poke around in all the countries for now and trust that when it's time to get my child that the right door will be open.

Busy Life

You know - I know it's possible - and more than that - something I want to do. But, some days I wonder how on earth I will fit a child into my life and even if it's fair to do such a thing.


Example. Yesterday I went to bed at nine in order to get up at 4 a.m. this morning. I left my house at about 5:45 in the morning because I had to some errands before work and then get to work by 6:30. I came home at 4:15 because I was exhausted - but I should've stayed until at least 5 because my desk is a MESS. Leaving that early was rare - but it was the second time this week that I made it to work before anyone else. I typically spent 10-11 hours at work each day - on a normal day. I can get by on about 6 hours of sleep and still feel rested. So, that's 16-17 hours a day. That leaves 7-8 hours a day to do everything else. Make dinner. Clean. relax.

And I want to try to fit in: drop off/pick up from daycare, bathe children, play with children, take children to ballet/soccer/doctor/whatever, make sure children who are coming from traumatic backgrounds are adjusting well/ etc. into those 7-8 hours?


I mean - I know I can and I will make it work. Plenty of teachers are mothers. There are plenty of single working mothers in the world. There are things at my job that I can drop without taking a pay cut and free up some of my time. I know all this - right now I'm single and I do have time so I say yes to things like yearbook and helping after school and planning Shakespeare festivals - - and I won't say yes to those when I have children that become my world.


Sometimes I just wonder, "Is the kid going to hate me for making them be a part of a single parent family?" It's at those times I try to remind myself that in the hierarchy of family situations - I may be lower than a two parent loving family - - but I'm higher than an orphanage.



Just a busy day and realizing how I am so accustomed to coming home at the end of the day and not worrying about anyone but myself - but that's not the life I want - and truth be told I'd rather be sitting in traffic in the rain on the way to a ballet recital right now than typing this. I'd be exhausted either way - but the other one is a better option still.



On another note - I'm reading a book that is the story of a single adoptive mother. It's good. I'm being reminded again of all the paperwork, money, and uncertainties of the process. But at the same time - on the back cover is a picture of a woman with two beautiful boys - and that's really all that matters.

fostering, random thoughts and open countries

I don't have anything of great importance to say - I just wanted to take a moment to update.

I have a coworker who is a single foster mother. I was able to find a few moments to ask her some questions the other day which was helpful - she was very kind and let me ask all kinds of personal and answered kindly. She also told me that the first child that was placed with her was an infant and she raised him for seven years before he was taken from her because the biological family got him back. Which - is pretty much my nightmare scenario for why I don't know if I could handle fostering or domestic adoption. My heart about breaks just imagining that scenario.


I've been getting rather discouraged with the number of countries that are closing to single parent adoption and that's what is making me look more into domestic - - but that just doesn't feel right to me. Everything can change so quickly though - and I'm still just 25 and planning on waiting to officially start the process until I'm 30 so I've got about 4 years left before I can get freaked out about open countries.

For my reference (or yours if you're interested)

current countries open to single woman adoption (of younger, healthy children) according to the country charts at www.creatingafamily.com

Bulgaria, Ethiopia (up in the air - lots of rumors going on that it's closing to single parents), Haiti, India (case-by-case), Kazakhstan (but they typically won't let single women adopt 2 or a 2nd child), Kyrgyzstan, Liberia, Poland, Russia (with a LOT of extra paperwork and such).



Of those - I'd probably avoid Russia as they require "above average pay" - and, well, I'm a teacher. I want at least two children eventually - whether at the same time or not. I don't know if I'll want my children to be able to share a national heritage or not - but I'll probably avoid Kazakhstan so that it's at least possible to return to the same country for a second child if I so choose. Just on a "gut" reaction - Bulgaria, Haiti, Kyrgyzstan, and Poland appeal to me. I'm not interested in having to put up with the extra paper work hassle - so I'll avoid India as well.

and, of course, this can all change again in 4 years. But, for now, there are my thoughts. I like to ramble through it now and then and let my brain process all this stuff.

Why I'm Not Using a Donor

I've got the question a couple of times now from different people. "Why adopt? Why not just use donor sperm? No intrusive home visit. The child is yours"

Let me just point out one quick thing first - probably one of the most hurtful and infuriating things you can say to an adoptive or prospective adoptive parent is to in any way insinuate that an adopted child will not be "theirs". So try to avoid any mention of ownership if you're ever talking to someone about an adopted child.


So. Why not? I've thought about it. It has it's appeals. Cheaper. More certainty. I don't have to worry about what the months or years in a foreign orphanage has done to my child. I don't have to worry about Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, Reactive Attachment Disorder, or if my child would hate me for taking them away from their home country. I would get to be more selective about the genes of my child. They'd have mine first of all and then the registries for sperm donors are fairly detailed these days - I'd have my pick! I would get to experience the miracle and joy of childbirth, of holding my child when s/he was mere seconds old, of watching his/her first everything, and experiencing the bond of nursing. There are definite appeals and I hope that one day I may be able to experience that in the context of a marriage.

But here's why I won't do it as a single woman.

1. There are children in the world who have spent months and years in conditions less than satisfactory. That are struggling the effects of poor choices made by their parents and caregivers and may need some extra or specialized care. These children already exist and need a home. They are missing two parents and I can provide them with one. If I used a donor - I'd be creating a child who was missing a parent.

2. Creating a child with someone I've never met and just know by a number kind of weirds me out a little bit.





*warning* If you struggle with infertility you may not want to read the rest of my post. Just warning you. I'm not trying to offend anyone - but this is one of my major reasons.





3. My heart says that there are moral and ethical issues there. I am opposed to all forms of birth control - which I think means that if I'm going to be fair I should be opposed to fertility treatments in general - and the more I think about it the more I am. It's an ethical issue that basically reiterates point #1. Why on earth would I spend my money, time, resources, and mental stamina to create a child when there is one that already needs my love? it seems selfish to me to go out of my way to demand a biological child when in reality - a child is a child. My conviction on this has grown over the past year - to the point where I now say that even if I were a married woman who was unable to get pregnant - that I would not proceed with any tests or procedures beyond making sure whatever was wrong was not damaging my health and would instead begin to pursue the married adoption route in order to build our family.

If I get married and find I can't get pregnant - I probably will be heart broken and will take time to grieve that - but I really believe my conviction will stand strong. If it wasn't a conviction I would be pursuing the in vitro now rather than the adoption. Believe me - it certainly looks like the easier path.

Skipping "Baby"

Today I had to run into Toys R Us for a minute to look for something. I walked past the clothing section and saw an adorable onesy that had a cute turkey on it and the words "I'm stuffed." I smiled and thought, "I'll get something like that for my kid one day." Then remembered, "No, you probably won't." I know that just the nature of international adoption tends to decrease the likelihood of adopting an infant - and being a single person decreases it even more. Beyond that - I am convinced that the best thing for both me and the child would be for me to adopt an older child - but sometimes I just hate that I'm going to miss infancy. Sure, there will be plenty of cute clothes for older children. And, it's still entirely possible that I'll end up married and having biological children. Most adoption books talk about making sure you've mourned infertility before you proceed with adoption if that's the case for you - - that's not my issue - but on some level I'm realizing that as much as I want to adopt I still have things I need to make sure I "mourn" first. I feel a little silly saying that since it IS possible for me to still parent an infant one day - but, whatever, try convincing your emotions of rational things. ;-)


On another note I was listening to a podcast on adoption today and they mentioned the idea of having the birth mother or the caregiver in the orphanage/foster home make a hand print or fingerprint for your child. This way there is a very personal and unique connection for the child to have to their past and roots and who they are. I really love that idea so hopefully I'll remember it years down the road when I'm finally meeting my child. I was already composing some little poem in my mind about it and imagining it all framed up nicely.

The Things About Which I Worry

Here is a list, in no particular order, of things that I have some worry over concerning this whole single parent international adoption.

1. Absence of a father. I've read the research that says that children in stable single-parent adoptive families are mentally healthier than single-parent broken families - - as in my case there is no "baby daddy" drama to worry about. But, still. There's a mom and a dad for a reason. Coupled with this worry is my lifelong lack of significant male friends. My brothers live in other states. I'm hoping a number of my friends get married in the next few years and I'll just draft their significant others into my "support system". My friends can say something like, "Yes, I'll marry you. If you promise to hang out with Nicole's adopted kids from time to time." I'm sure it won't be a problem.


2. Cultural issues. Culture is HUGE to me. I love knowing my family history and how people lived and the differences in cultures. I don't want my child to lose that connection to his or her biological roots. I'm thankful that most adoptions will require me to be in the birth country for a number of weeks - so that I'll have time to kind of get some "local color" in between signing papers and meeting my child. I want to make sure that I buy some local toys, fabrics, whatever it is they sell. I can also spend a lot of time researching the country during that looooong waiting process after the paperwork is submitted. My plan is to celebrate global holidays (like Christmas) in a way that incorporates the traditions of the child's home country - - as well as to mark the day of any really special national holidays in that country. A lot of websites have discussed using those elementary school "show and tell" days as a chance to talk about the child's birth country. So - there are lots of good ideas - and it's really important to me - so I think it will be ok - - but I'm kind of worried I'll get caught up in the stress of single parenting and go "We're in America. Deal."

2b. Cultural Issues. The "Why do we look so different, mommy?" question and the odd stares from strangers who will wonder if I am my son's/daughter's nanny.

3. Attachment issues. Have you heard of Reactive Attachment Disorder? (RAD) - - - if not, spare yourself. It's scary. But what if this child will NOT attach (form a bond with/trust me)? I don't know.... I don't know if I could deal with that kind of health issue. This is where I rest in God's faithfulness - knowing He will fully equip.

4. Will they resent that they got stuck with me and lost their chance at a mom AND dad? Am I taking away a child's chance at a normal family? In my heart - I know that one parent is better than no parent - - but, still.


5. That I'm going to fall head-over-heels in love with being a mother and adopt like 10 and be crazy broke and we're all going to eat PB&J EVERY DAY. (or - the not so worrisome sides: that I'll adopt ten and we'll all live happily in my little Inn where the older kids help out and the children run happily around while I'm able to "work from home" and be with them and life is just perfect ;-) )

Welcome

So, as the title says this The Single Domestic Adopts - branching off the name of my other blog.

I've always wanted to adopt - but have just started the serious process of doing research and figuring out exactly what I want about six months ago. I'm giving myself plenty of time to really make sure I'm taking the right path to adoption - I'm not planning on starting the paperwork for 2-5 more years. So, the blog posts here will be a bit sporadic - but I did want a place to record some of my thoughts. I'm reading a book right now on Single Parent Adoption and it offers some "exercises" to do to help you sort out this whole process - so I may do some of those. The books seems more focused on making the decision of whether or not to be a single adoptive parent than the actual process of becoming one - and I've already decided that is what I want to do - so I may abandon the book midway through - we'll see. I have a stack of about 10 books on adoption and being a "Single Mother By Choice" to read through. "The Complete Guide to International Adoption" was EXTREMELY informative and helpful - I'll be reading that one again when I get closer to paperwork time.


In general. I'm leaning towards international adoption. Boy or girl. Aged 2-6. At one point I wanted to adopt a sibling group - but then decided I was crazy. Eventually I would like more than one - but more than one at first might put me a bit in over my head.

The hardest part for me at the moment is the "narrowing down" - - I can't adopt all the children in the world - so I have to have a way to "narrow" it down. I have to pick a country before I even pick an agency - and I feel like I'm rejecting thousands of children by choosing "Guatemala" over "India". Some of the choices are made for me - not all countries are crazy about single people adopting.

And then, a big question is the special needs issue. What types of special needs am I comfortable with? And that involves me being honest with who I am and my schedule. I know I couldn't give a child with severe special needs the time and attention they need - so they have to be off my list - and then you have to start picking exactly what "severe" means - who do I say "no" to? All the books tell you you must do this. That you must go into this eyes wide open knowing what you can handle - - but I have such a tendency to say "I can handle anything! I won't refuse any child!" - - but I can't do that - that is not wise at all.


And then once I have my list - when I say that I think I can be a good parent to a child with ADD but not to a child with severe autism - then I have to go through the referral process. Which, depending on which route I takes either involves me looking at a picture and whatever medical info is available on a child and saying "yes" or "no" - or it involves me actually visiting a country and meeting a few children and "picking" one of them. As if it were somehow natural to be able to decide anything about what your child is like. Yet, it must be done.


A lot of people worry about being able to love an adopted child as if it were their own. That has never been a worry of mine. I worry that I'll let my heart rush ahead and that I will accept I child I am not equipped to parent because I cannot imagine not loving a child who needs a family.